Hello readers , sorry for not updating for a long time .
Mind me , this will be a long post . And if you have a thought of leaving this page after seeing how lengthy my post is going to be , then you just won't know how am i dealing everything now .
Every piece of crumb from a cookie .
I suppose i had a lot running through my mind nowadays .
♥
YOU,KAU,ENGKAU,AWAK, yes YOU , i don't know whether i should call you man or jantan .
Because everyone knows the difference , which i won't elaborate .
After almost one fucking year , i still can't move on .
You still linger around within me , even though it suffocates me and brings me back to the past .
I just didn't know the cause for your unreasonable and sudden attitude towards me just now .
I thought we were in good terms?Being friends like we used to when we first met .
Telling each other that we should start afresh and take everything extremely slow
and steady , so that nothing will get twisted , like what we did the other time a mistake that is taken and learnt from .
You agreed , saying that it's a great idea to not skip steps when it comes to this .
But i got really perplexed at the way you reacted to me .
If you say that i'm bad-mouthing you in my blog , then sorry siket ,
practically i'm not . I'm just telling the truth .
And unfortunately , as what typical minahreps say "My blog , My Say"
AND KALAU KAWAN-KAWAN KAU YANG KEPO NAK MAMPOS NAK SANGAT GI REPORT KAT KAU APER YANG AKU WRITE DALAM BLOG AKU , SILEKAN . DA JADI
MANUSIE NAK JADI ANJING KAU PLAK .ISHISHISH.MATI TAK NAK LA ORANG MCM GINI KAN ? KORANG MEMANG NO LIFE LA . KALAU NK , PRINT OUT SKALI LA PAGE NI , JADI NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS . SOMETIMES ONE WORD CAN EVEN CHANGE THE MEANING OF A SENTENCE TAO ! BETOL TAK TIPU . HAHAHA . AND ONE MORE THING , WHY THE PAKCIK AND MAKCIK KPO ?
JAGE TEPI KAIN ORANG SEMUER ? SERIOUSLY DA TAKDE KEJE KE ?NAK AKU KASI KEJE KOREK JUBE AKU? KE KORANG BETOL TAKDE YOUR OWN LIFE TO THINK OF ? MANER SATU ? Hmm ???
GET READY FOR KARMA OK ?AKU DA SOLAT BANYAK2 SUPAYE TUHAN BALAS PERBUATAN KORANG SEMUER .YANG BERSIFAT DENGKI NAN KHIANAT TERHADAP AKU. AKU TAK LAYAK NAK HUKUM KORANG . BERDOSE YOU . BIA TUHAN JEK YANG BALAS K ? =) Amin .
(continued from small caps)
And it's from my point of view , only god knows what's in your mind at that point of time .
I texted you , and i remembered doing that in the nicest possible way that i could .
You replied , beginning with something very sarcastic and rude .
But i ignored it , and stayed positive .
Then I told you how much i cried when i missed you all this while after we were no longer together ,where i thought it could at least soften your heart that is as hard as stone ,
And i kept telling myself not to bother a single word you replied previously ,
having the hopes that he will miss me too at least .
You replied , telling me that you enjoyed every single tear that i shed .
Where's your heart ? Where's your humanity ?
Why hate me so much ? Is it because i'm dirty ? Namer busok ? Malu pasal history aku that time ? Malu pasal aku pernah jadik pencurik backstabber ? Malu pasal aku pernah masok lock up ?
Ke pasal kau denga dari mulot kawan2 sundal kau pasal aku ?Pass message semuer pasal aku at kau . FULERMAK , MARMAR HOTSTUFF UHH . haha , i suke i suke .
pfft . mak kau nye laki ahh siol .
Kirekan kau maot ahh tk payah nk korek info susah payah , da ader spy per .
Sampai hati eh kau . You don't know how bad i am doing now .
And i continued being nice to you , but your rudeness just got worse and
it really shot my heart right through . The pain i felt was similar to when you played behind my back with my own bestfriend while we were together , making us loose the tight and bonded friendship we shared for 4 years . The same pain when you
put violence on me and making my spine not in line like before .
The same pain when you made me leave all of my friends , leaving me with none .
The same pain when you wished me to die soon while i was effingly sick .
Did i complain before ? NO , HELL NO .Maybe once or twice , but i never BRAG about it .
Because i know that it will cause another fight , not clearly stating the use of fighting , and knowing that nothing is gained . One big fat zero . None .


Girls , let me ask you , have you ever had a guy treating you like this ?
Just imagine someone you love soooo deeply . Someone you would dare to die for .
Someone you would want to live with till the end of time . Someone that brings you to fairytales and made everything impossible , possible . Someone that never fails to give you butterflies when he looks deeply into your eyes , indicating how much he has fallen for you .
Have you ?
I know , I know that all of you will demand me to leave him for good .
Trust me , i want to . Seriously i do , but failed in every aspects of trying .
You all may think that i'm the stupidest and the most dumbest girl that have ever lived on this very planet.
But i know that despite all this , i'm proud to be gifted with a heart that will always be true to one . God gave me love . Perhaps some of you may think that love can be found in other ways . But I'm given with a love that can't be written in words .A Love that can't be gasped through air . A love that can only be felt once . A love that can't be found nor felt with other partners . A love that will always be there waiting and holding on , despite all the struggles and challenges that is faced , just to reach it , just to reach love .A love that brings a meaning of sacrifice and not always happiness and being together . A love that involves commitments and getting ready for the future . That kind of love .
♥
I know for myself that crying for someone who doesn't show
that he cares is , WORTHLESS .
Yes , i did tell those words to my closest friends who is facing relationship problems themselves .
And i have never failed to help in any circumstances .
It's just that hardly no one understands me . And i know for a fact that what i've faced and what i'm facing is never experienced by anyone .
That's why none could understand . No one has gone through what we've went through .
Believe it or not , your problem . But from my experience , fights which i see or heard from other relationships are just typical ones . Nothing to be awed about . Communication and giving in will do the trick to solve it , if not , make the situation better .
And And And ,
I've got my own reasons . Everyone does right ?Furthermore, I just don't feel anything when i'm with other guys .
I know , Ajat was the first guy to make me move on after Hazwan , but sadly ,
it's just for a month . That happiness lasted only for a MONTH . Maybe not a month,because that 30 days can't be 24/7 happiness all the way , and that's not enough for me to heal and completely move on .
Yes , Ajat's a good guy . caring , humorous , cute , outgoing .
And having Achmad as his elder brother just made everything better .
They crack jokes , and i laughed . I smiled and never showed a frown .
But nothing just feels right . He somehow controls me in a way , telling me to do this and that .
He's also an over-protective kind of guy ,which for me shows that he doens't trust me , because i know i lied to him before .
But whatever it is , getting back with him is just impossible , because i know that he hates me for
my past mistakes . Stealing my closest friends stuff . And just not being sympathetic .
I know that i'm labelled as a bad person , but turning into someone good doesn't make a difference , the label is still there .
I suppose he sees me as a girl that has no hopes and won't change .
A girl that will always be the girl few months ago .
Whatever the case , i can't change people's mindsets right ? I'm not perfect nor powerful .
WHEN I DO GOOD DEEDS , THEY JUST DON'T SEE IT , OR THEY JUST DON'T SEE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH , OR THEY JUST THINK THAT I'M BEING TWO FACED . BUT whenever i do bad deeds,even the slightest ant-sized bad deeds, COUNTLESS FINGERS WILL JUST PIN POINT AT YOU CONTINUOUSY AND THEY WILL JUST TALK BAD ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND WITH THEM , LEAVING NO ROOM FOR CHANCES AT ALL . LEAVING NO SENSE OF SYMPATHY AND MAKE ME FEEL SO LEFT OUT AND SO ... DUMB . MAYBE I SHOULD TELL THE INVENTOR OF DICTIONARIES TO MAKE A NEW WORD FOR APOLOGIES , because the word SORRY just doesn't work anymore .
But i know , i have my mum to support me all the way , despite many friendships that had been lost .
She gave me words of encouragement when she sees me change , making me feel good and wanting to accomplish more . Mothers are just the most expensive gift given to sons and daughters . Even though we will last longer than them in most cases .
Now i know how important a mom is to a child . Because she will always be your full time love , and will never leave you suffer alone . No one can do better than them . No one .
Thank you mummy .
♥
To continue ,
I remembered breaking down to the infinity while i read that message he sent me .
I suppose it's the first time my friends saw me like that .
Especially those who deliberately thought that i was a strong person .
I suppose the last time i cried badly non-stop was ... breaking up with Hazwan ?
I'm sorry Zuhairah , i'm sorry for not giving you the strength that i gave you all this while .
Showing you my weakness instead .
You said to me that you felt down and had no more strength left when you saw me cry ,
because you stood strong all this while because you saw me being strong as well , being single with a part of your life gone and lets you go ahead without it .
But Zuhairah , i'm just sorry , i couldn't hold on any longer .
I'm sorry for shouting at you just now , first time plak tu kau kene ngan aku .
But come on la Zuh , aku ngah nanges rabak2 kau lecture2 aku . haha .
Kau mcm tk kenal aku plak .Aku maner suker sehh org buat gitu .
Kadang kau ni cute jugak la . ishish . Hee .
♥
Nevertheless ,I'm loosing weight like hell , i have no appetite at all .
Everything is repeating itself once again .
The stress , the sleepless nights , the swollen eyes , the non-stop waterfall
from my very eyeballs .
Only Deedee knows what i mean .
The saddest part was , my pillars of strength wasn't there .
Those who knows my full journey with him , those who knows the real him , and understands him as well .
Those who understands why i can't leave him . Those who never told me to give up a love that was once so strong . Those who knows that deep inside , i will never love anyone else .
You know who you are . I just wish you girls were there by my side .
But i'm thankful to Neo for making me feel better .
He really knows how to make people laugh even for the saddest cases . Thanks buddy.
Ee is very lucky tao ! Hehe !
♥
And mummy just kept asking me what happened AGAIN between me and you .
What am i suppose to answer to her ? You don't know how much she trusted you now thanbefore . She knows that you're best for me , and you're the only one that could complete the lost pieces in me that have not yet been found . Even after knwing what you did to me . Mind me , people can change for the good . And my mummy knows what's best for me . But by you doing this to me , she will have second thoughts about you . You know yourself that my mum hated you the most , because she was different last time , not giving me ANY freedom or whatsoever.
Im sure you remembered how we ran away , just the two of us . spending every second together , having to think that we would never see each other again if i got caught . Remember those pain but memorable moments ? I suppose you don't huh ?
♥
I'm sorry for the long post people . It's all out of me . I just wanted to let it all out in my blog . Please forgive me , happy reading .