Currently 12.24pm and i'm just in the living room blogging(obviously) and watching the
television .

She left my house , yes she did .
Korang kalau tak tau citer , don't even bother to ask me .
And don't bother bringing up the story even if you knew .

And you babe ,
If you expect me to react , then i'm sorry . I'm not going to do anything .
You want to know why ? Because i'm tired of hearing everything .
Tired of entertaining EVERY FUCKING THING!
Betol ahh cakap kau , jad orang baek memang tak bagos kan?
Kepale mesti kene pijak giler babi nye .
Yes yes , people do that to you but please reflect on yourself , will ya ?

I'm sorry babe , aku nye orang tak akan mengalah , kau knal aku .
Pasal aku tau aku tak salah , aku setakat marah kau jek per .
Da lah kakak2 kau semuer macam TOOT , besar nye TOOT .
That's why i'm replacing them as a sister okay ?
Aku sayang kau la babe , BUT
Aku bukan adek2 kau , at least beralas la siket kalau bobal .
This is all basic manners .
I know you didn't raise you voice ,
but the way you talked just shows that you really want to win huh ?
Come on la , dorang kacau kau pon tak seberape siol .
Yang kau saket hati sangat tu kenape ?
GIVE ME A GOOD REASON WHY .
Kalau tak boleh angkat jokes , jangan campor orang !!!
Abeh nak salahkan orang laen tu apehal ?
Padahal bukan pasal dorang kan aku marah kau ?
If you think it is , be it then .
But from my point of view , we fought because of your attitude , perangai , actions .
Aku da lamer nak blow kat kau . Cumer aku tak nak , pasal you're the best i've ever had as a
friend . Betol ?
Yang kau sensitive sangat tu kenape ? Aku tak paham ahh ngn kau .
Ni sekarang kau tinggal maner , lepak maner pon aku tak tau .
Kau buat aku risau kau tau tak ?

And about the guy that you're so called in love with ,
Don't trust him that much okay ?
I'm not being a bitch or whatever but ,
Kau tahu la jantan , banyak setan yang bertopeng manusie .
Betol ? Kau jangan terpedaye sangat ngan kate2 dier .
Be friends first . You both just met and know each other .
He told you don't think of him as a desperado ,
when actually by fact , HE IS !
Does he even know that you're still young ?
The way he treated you macam nak mintak kawin jek next year .
Cakap ngan dier ahh , chill ahh. Nak kelam kabot tu kenape .
kelaka ahh kadang2 .
The sweet talks from him aku da banyak denga la babe . So the typical of guys .
da la , aku bukan saper2 lagi nak nasehatkan kau .
Kalau aku cakap ni pon , boleh jadi gadoh jugak kan ? You kept covering for him
telling how good he is .
No wonder kau banyak kene bustard ngan lelaki kan ?
Because of the soft heart you once gave to them ,
leaving with a heart left as hard as stone in the end .
You give in too much when it comes to guys .
Lelaki sekarang bukannye aper , nak nonoks jek okay ?
Not all la . SOME .

Yang aku paling binget ,
Kau saper nak sumpah2 dorang sumer ? Kau pikir bende ni maen2 eh ?
Perangai stop it uhh . orang kacau kau tak boleh , abeh part kau kacau orang ?
Nak aku elaborate tak ? Orang laen memang tak berani bilang kau ahh .
Biler kau kacau orang , memang kiter ketawe semuer join in the fun ,
but you like to exaggerate sampai it becomes SO IRRITATING !
Ever heard of there's limits to anything ?
I know you like to irritate people .
Aku boleh tahan ahh pasal aku da biase , but the rest .
Think for their feelings also la .
treat others the way you want to be treated .
It's goes both ways , babe .

Ouh , You wrote in the letter saying that you were in the wrong .
And you keep blaming yourself , for everything .
By you leaving in the middle of the night at an unacceptable time without my consent ,
wow , that is so rude and so tak respect my parents kan ?
Jangan sebot pasal bapak aku ahh , at least think for my mum !
She told me that she thought you're the best for me .
Because she can see the good changes in me eversince we started being close .
But seeing her having doubts about you is something that i dnt want to see.
Kalau nak belah pon , BILANG AKU ! Mulot gi potong ahh kalau takleh inform aku anything !
Aku tau orang pernah cakap ngan tetamu dorang ,
"buat macam rumah sendiri" . Tap tengok situation ahh babe !!!
Pasal kau aku kene fuck ngan bapak aku kau tau tak ?
Kau nak parents aku label kau as someone yang tak beradat ke ?
Macam pompan that time tuh ?
Aku nak jawab aper ? Kau ader fikir tak ?
Next time kol my mum first ahh kalau betol2 nak beram .
Da tak respect aku lagi kan .. Go ahead . Terserah .
Nak cakap aku jahat ke kau nye pasal ahh . Aku da malas nak jadi baek lagi .

One more thing , i just realised that i'm seeing the bad side of you .
But from my experience living in this world , bad sides from people are seen
once in a while , when they really got their patience tested .
But i'm seeing it from you almost everyday .
Don't tell me this is your real perangai uhh . if this is your real perangai then i dont
know what to say . I takde comment . I hope that i'm not wrong about you .
Because i stick to what my mind says .
Go and complain to anyone you want . I don't mind .
I know you have lived a tough life , but don't make it as an excuse for me to give in
every single time . I'm sick and tired of it okay .
But even though i'm really pissed off with you ,
Just call me whenever you need me la .
I won't be calling you , or finding you . that's it uhh .
Takecare .

K marmar da kluakan semue dah .
Tulis sini habes sini la ehh .
Ni mar tak jatohkan maruah saper2 pasal mar tak mention name orang kan ?
So orang yang tak rapat ngan mar takkan tahu pasal hal ni .
So i didn't do anything .
My blog my say , betol tak minahreps ? hahaha .
ISH ! Stress !
Lepas satu , satu .
Nevermind , be strong mar , you can do it .
Meeting my friend Apit today , maybe . Wait for him to finish work first .

AND WHERE'S DARLENE ???? I MISS YOU . A LOT . CALL ME , PLEASE .

Currently 1.20pm .
And im still not asleep yet since yesterday .
Probably because of the thoughts that's spinning inside my head .
Haishh , when will all this mishaps stop buggering me .
Well , let's not make this post condemned shall we ?
Well , spent the last two days with Apit , Agun , Dinah , Wan , Zuh and Farah .
The rest of my girlfriends were busy i suppose .
Well , had an awesome time .
At least , it made me forget everything that i was supposed to not remember .
And guess what ?
While i was on my way home from Dinah's crib , i saw someone whom i assumed to be dead and i really dont want to mention his name .
Someone who i hate the most .
Well , my exboyfriend yang ter"SAYANG" tu kan .
Cibai uhh , mood failure uhh .
Hahah . ok im talking crap already .
Must get ready to meet Dinah soon at bns .
Chiaos .
♥

Hello readers . It's been a long time since i updated my blog huh ?
And after reading my previous posts , i feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself .
Siti Mariam was so weak last time , and she gave in too easily .
She didn't gave chances for herself to move on and be happy .
Fuck off ex boyfriend , cause she's moving on and leading a contented blissed life .
And i'm so proud of myself .
Here comes the new me .

Currently 1.02am . I don't know why the timing to my blogger is not following accurately .
Giler nyer blog , LOL .
I don't know whether to come down or not later .
But i pity Dinah , she expects me to come , probably going to meet her in a few minutes la .
Saw Putri Andreanie just now
And babe , you're getting muchmuch prettier for your age . Jeaalous i . =)
And i just heart a song from Auburn titled perfect two .
Gosh , if only Hazwan hears that song .
But what to do , he moved on , and he love me no more . =')
Who cares if im still stuck , no one can force to stop loving someone right ?
I hope im doing the right thing . I just can't open my heart to anyone else .
Could be time , but just not now , and i don't want to .

This picture is taken during our Sentosa Outing on the recent Friday .
Plans quite cocked up here and there , supposed to meet at 2pm ,
but everyone ended up meeting at 4 plus .
Well , the girls were late of course . haha .
Guess what , sick again . Im having a terrible cough plus sore throat .
Nk makan pon tak boleh sehh .
Haiyo , mummy wants to send me to the hospital i guess , since im getting sick often .
And not getting better . If its about smoking , then i guess i'll cut down on that ,
and maybe stop in success ? I'll be proud of myself for being able to accomplish that . =)

And heartiest CONGRATULATIONS to my youngest aunt ,
who got married yesterday , 9 October 2010 with Abang Joe .
May you have a blessed life ahead of you .
I could see the jitters from both of you as the Akad Nikah was being carried out .
I know , everything will change after that date .
But you both are blessed that your love is celebrated .
I really hope that both of you will be gifted with a son/daughter
soon enough .
Kakak Liza nye due date pon nak dekat .
Biler korang nyer turn ? hahahah .
We love you a lot . Good luck and
SELAMAT PENGANTIN BARU .

I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL OF THIS .
Please tell me that you'll stay . and that what you texted me the other day was
just another reason for your ego .
GOD , HELP ME FORGET HIM .
He's just selfish , he's just satisfied that i'm still not over him and that i need him .
He's just elated that ,
HE HAS WON THE GAME , CONGRATULATIONS .
And i'm just flabberghasted by the way he had made me feel as a girl who just wants to be a good person , at least a good person .

Just random picture of my secondary school days back in 2008 and 2009 .
Hope to meet you all this Saturday , miss you bunch of people a lot . ♥
Anyway , i'm pissed off with my own body .
I'm having fever and sore throat , like again , and it's utterly irritating .
My lips are effing dry and wetting it just makes it worse . I can't even open my mouth properly
to talk . It just hurts a lot .
Probably staying at home the whole day , OR
go to library and borrow some love story novels , just to keep my time occupied at home , rather than doing nothing .
And and , i hope that i will be fit enough to meet Rabiatul and Faris today ,
made a promise to them , to teach them mathematics , since it's their EOY paper tomorrow .
Good luck people , do your best .
"My Best And More" LOL .
♥
There's so many plans ahead for me , but too little time .
My youngest aunt from my daddy's side is getting married this Saturday .
And i really need to be well by then , because the whole family is taking part in
helping the ceremony go on smoothly . Congratulations Kakak Wawa and her future husband !
♥
Also , there's a plan for a Sentosa outing this Friday . Danny is the organiser ,
so i'll just wait for people to tell me how is the plan yaw .
If not , then i won't be present i guess .
Just hope that all my babygirls will be able to attend .
i just miss you all a lot . Please come please come .
And i hope mummy will lend me some cash for that day . Haha .


And to end this post , i would like to wish my big brother a
HAPPY BIRTHDAY .
Wow , pejam celik pejam celik , you have turned 19 .
And that's old sehh . Haha .
Big brother , i'm so proud of you for going into Singapore Poly after your O levels .
And you're finishing your school soon .
By then , you'll be off to your National Service . Please take care of yourself when you're there .
And i really really really hope that you'll find a girlfriend soon .
You never had one tao , and that's shocking . haha .
So , may you have a blessed future ahead of you .
And good luck in anything that you're pursuing so far .
With love , your naughty and irritating sister ,
Siti Mariam ♥

Hello readers , sorry for not updating for a long time .
Mind me , this will be a long post . And if you have a thought of leaving this page after seeing how lengthy my post is going to be , then you just won't know how am i dealing everything now .
Every piece of crumb from a cookie .
I suppose i had a lot running through my mind nowadays .
♥
YOU,KAU,ENGKAU,AWAK, yes YOU , i don't know whether i should call you man or jantan .
Because everyone knows the difference , which i won't elaborate .
After almost one fucking year , i still can't move on .
You still linger around within me , even though it suffocates me and brings me back to the past .
I just didn't know the cause for your unreasonable and sudden attitude towards me just now .
I thought we were in good terms?Being friends like we used to when we first met .
Telling each other that we should start afresh and take everything extremely slow
and steady , so that nothing will get twisted , like what we did the other time a mistake that is taken and learnt from .
You agreed , saying that it's a great idea to not skip steps when it comes to this .
But i got really perplexed at the way you reacted to me .
If you say that i'm bad-mouthing you in my blog , then sorry siket ,
practically i'm not . I'm just telling the truth .
And unfortunately , as what typical minahreps say "My blog , My Say"
AND KALAU KAWAN-KAWAN KAU YANG KEPO NAK MAMPOS NAK SANGAT GI REPORT KAT KAU APER YANG AKU WRITE DALAM BLOG AKU , SILEKAN . DA JADI
MANUSIE NAK JADI ANJING KAU PLAK .ISHISHISH.MATI TAK NAK LA ORANG MCM GINI KAN ? KORANG MEMANG NO LIFE LA . KALAU NK , PRINT OUT SKALI LA PAGE NI , JADI NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS . SOMETIMES ONE WORD CAN EVEN CHANGE THE MEANING OF A SENTENCE TAO ! BETOL TAK TIPU . HAHAHA . AND ONE MORE THING , WHY THE PAKCIK AND MAKCIK KPO ?
JAGE TEPI KAIN ORANG SEMUER ? SERIOUSLY DA TAKDE KEJE KE ?NAK AKU KASI KEJE KOREK JUBE AKU? KE KORANG BETOL TAKDE YOUR OWN LIFE TO THINK OF ? MANER SATU ? Hmm ???
GET READY FOR KARMA OK ?AKU DA SOLAT BANYAK2 SUPAYE TUHAN BALAS PERBUATAN KORANG SEMUER .YANG BERSIFAT DENGKI NAN KHIANAT TERHADAP AKU. AKU TAK LAYAK NAK HUKUM KORANG . BERDOSE YOU . BIA TUHAN JEK YANG BALAS K ? =) Amin .
(continued from small caps)
And it's from my point of view , only god knows what's in your mind at that point of time .
I texted you , and i remembered doing that in the nicest possible way that i could .
You replied , beginning with something very sarcastic and rude .
But i ignored it , and stayed positive .
Then I told you how much i cried when i missed you all this while after we were no longer together ,where i thought it could at least soften your heart that is as hard as stone ,
And i kept telling myself not to bother a single word you replied previously ,
having the hopes that he will miss me too at least .
You replied , telling me that you enjoyed every single tear that i shed .
Where's your heart ? Where's your humanity ?
Why hate me so much ? Is it because i'm dirty ? Namer busok ? Malu pasal history aku that time ? Malu pasal aku pernah jadik pencurik backstabber ? Malu pasal aku pernah masok lock up ?
Ke pasal kau denga dari mulot kawan2 sundal kau pasal aku ?Pass message semuer pasal aku at kau . FULERMAK , MARMAR HOTSTUFF UHH . haha , i suke i suke .
pfft . mak kau nye laki ahh siol .
Kirekan kau maot ahh tk payah nk korek info susah payah , da ader spy per .
Sampai hati eh kau . You don't know how bad i am doing now .
And i continued being nice to you , but your rudeness just got worse and
it really shot my heart right through . The pain i felt was similar to when you played behind my back with my own bestfriend while we were together , making us loose the tight and bonded friendship we shared for 4 years . The same pain when you
put violence on me and making my spine not in line like before .
The same pain when you made me leave all of my friends , leaving me with none .
The same pain when you wished me to die soon while i was effingly sick .
Did i complain before ? NO , HELL NO .Maybe once or twice , but i never BRAG about it .
Because i know that it will cause another fight , not clearly stating the use of fighting , and knowing that nothing is gained . One big fat zero . None .


Girls , let me ask you , have you ever had a guy treating you like this ?
Just imagine someone you love soooo deeply . Someone you would dare to die for .
Someone you would want to live with till the end of time . Someone that brings you to fairytales and made everything impossible , possible . Someone that never fails to give you butterflies when he looks deeply into your eyes , indicating how much he has fallen for you .
Have you ?
I know , I know that all of you will demand me to leave him for good .
Trust me , i want to . Seriously i do , but failed in every aspects of trying .
You all may think that i'm the stupidest and the most dumbest girl that have ever lived on this very planet.
But i know that despite all this , i'm proud to be gifted with a heart that will always be true to one . God gave me love . Perhaps some of you may think that love can be found in other ways . But I'm given with a love that can't be written in words .A Love that can't be gasped through air . A love that can only be felt once . A love that can't be found nor felt with other partners . A love that will always be there waiting and holding on , despite all the struggles and challenges that is faced , just to reach it , just to reach love .A love that brings a meaning of sacrifice and not always happiness and being together . A love that involves commitments and getting ready for the future . That kind of love .
♥
I know for myself that crying for someone who doesn't show
that he cares is , WORTHLESS .
Yes , i did tell those words to my closest friends who is facing relationship problems themselves .
And i have never failed to help in any circumstances .
It's just that hardly no one understands me . And i know for a fact that what i've faced and what i'm facing is never experienced by anyone .
That's why none could understand . No one has gone through what we've went through .
Believe it or not , your problem . But from my experience , fights which i see or heard from other relationships are just typical ones . Nothing to be awed about . Communication and giving in will do the trick to solve it , if not , make the situation better .
And And And ,
I've got my own reasons . Everyone does right ?Furthermore, I just don't feel anything when i'm with other guys .
I know , Ajat was the first guy to make me move on after Hazwan , but sadly ,
it's just for a month . That happiness lasted only for a MONTH . Maybe not a month,because that 30 days can't be 24/7 happiness all the way , and that's not enough for me to heal and completely move on .
Yes , Ajat's a good guy . caring , humorous , cute , outgoing .
And having Achmad as his elder brother just made everything better .
They crack jokes , and i laughed . I smiled and never showed a frown .
But nothing just feels right . He somehow controls me in a way , telling me to do this and that .
He's also an over-protective kind of guy ,which for me shows that he doens't trust me , because i know i lied to him before .
But whatever it is , getting back with him is just impossible , because i know that he hates me for
my past mistakes . Stealing my closest friends stuff . And just not being sympathetic .
I know that i'm labelled as a bad person , but turning into someone good doesn't make a difference , the label is still there .
I suppose he sees me as a girl that has no hopes and won't change .
A girl that will always be the girl few months ago .
Whatever the case , i can't change people's mindsets right ? I'm not perfect nor powerful .
WHEN I DO GOOD DEEDS , THEY JUST DON'T SEE IT , OR THEY JUST DON'T SEE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH , OR THEY JUST THINK THAT I'M BEING TWO FACED . BUT whenever i do bad deeds,even the slightest ant-sized bad deeds, COUNTLESS FINGERS WILL JUST PIN POINT AT YOU CONTINUOUSY AND THEY WILL JUST TALK BAD ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND WITH THEM , LEAVING NO ROOM FOR CHANCES AT ALL . LEAVING NO SENSE OF SYMPATHY AND MAKE ME FEEL SO LEFT OUT AND SO ... DUMB . MAYBE I SHOULD TELL THE INVENTOR OF DICTIONARIES TO MAKE A NEW WORD FOR APOLOGIES , because the word SORRY just doesn't work anymore .
But i know , i have my mum to support me all the way , despite many friendships that had been lost .
She gave me words of encouragement when she sees me change , making me feel good and wanting to accomplish more . Mothers are just the most expensive gift given to sons and daughters . Even though we will last longer than them in most cases .
Now i know how important a mom is to a child . Because she will always be your full time love , and will never leave you suffer alone . No one can do better than them . No one .
Thank you mummy .
♥
To continue ,
I remembered breaking down to the infinity while i read that message he sent me .
I suppose it's the first time my friends saw me like that .
Especially those who deliberately thought that i was a strong person .
I suppose the last time i cried badly non-stop was ... breaking up with Hazwan ?
I'm sorry Zuhairah , i'm sorry for not giving you the strength that i gave you all this while .
Showing you my weakness instead .
You said to me that you felt down and had no more strength left when you saw me cry ,
because you stood strong all this while because you saw me being strong as well , being single with a part of your life gone and lets you go ahead without it .
But Zuhairah , i'm just sorry , i couldn't hold on any longer .
I'm sorry for shouting at you just now , first time plak tu kau kene ngan aku .
But come on la Zuh , aku ngah nanges rabak2 kau lecture2 aku . haha .
Kau mcm tk kenal aku plak .Aku maner suker sehh org buat gitu .
Kadang kau ni cute jugak la . ishish . Hee .
♥
Nevertheless ,I'm loosing weight like hell , i have no appetite at all .
Everything is repeating itself once again .
The stress , the sleepless nights , the swollen eyes , the non-stop waterfall
from my very eyeballs .
Only Deedee knows what i mean .
The saddest part was , my pillars of strength wasn't there .
Those who knows my full journey with him , those who knows the real him , and understands him as well .
Those who understands why i can't leave him . Those who never told me to give up a love that was once so strong . Those who knows that deep inside , i will never love anyone else .
You know who you are . I just wish you girls were there by my side .
But i'm thankful to Neo for making me feel better .
He really knows how to make people laugh even for the saddest cases . Thanks buddy.
Ee is very lucky tao ! Hehe !
♥
And mummy just kept asking me what happened AGAIN between me and you .
What am i suppose to answer to her ? You don't know how much she trusted you now thanbefore . She knows that you're best for me , and you're the only one that could complete the lost pieces in me that have not yet been found . Even after knwing what you did to me . Mind me , people can change for the good . And my mummy knows what's best for me . But by you doing this to me , she will have second thoughts about you . You know yourself that my mum hated you the most , because she was different last time , not giving me ANY freedom or whatsoever.
Im sure you remembered how we ran away , just the two of us . spending every second together , having to think that we would never see each other again if i got caught . Remember those pain but memorable moments ? I suppose you don't huh ?
♥
I'm sorry for the long post people . It's all out of me . I just wanted to let it all out in my blog . Please forgive me , happy reading .